


I have died every day waiting for you...

by IAmNotOneOfThem



Category: Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Eventually romance though, M/M, Rejection, Soulmates, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-29
Updated: 2013-02-25
Packaged: 2017-11-22 20:49:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/614191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IAmNotOneOfThem/pseuds/IAmNotOneOfThem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Started as a prompt on tumblr, now is a mini-fanfiction</i>
</p><p> </p><p>James and Q are destined to be with each other, but while one knows and chooses to ignore it, the other doesn't and thinks he is alone. A cruel event brings the two together, and reveals a truth long expected...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The scars on his face

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tracionn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tracionn/gifts).



> Awesome [cover](http://tracionn.tumblr.com/post/44381849894/i-have-died-every-day-waiting-for-you-cover-to) made by tracionn!

There was always the exitement of not knowing who it would be, who would turn out to be your destined partner.

The exitement of saying hello to so many strangers, looking out for your partner, wondering if it was your co-worker, the nice lady from the café or a person so far away that you would never meet them.

James had thought his partner had died, drowned and betrayed him, and had no hope whatsoever, accepting the fact that he was alone and that he always would be.

Alone was what he had, alone was what protected him.

Long ago, as he had been younger, less scared and wounded, less broken and with the chance of being repaired, he had tried to imagine who it could be. Who was his perfect match, the person he would be willing to go through hell and back for?

But now, he didn’t care.

He couldn’t, because why hoping for someone when this someone was either dead or would turn away from the shell of a human he was?

So he gave up waiting for the shiver running through his spine when he touched another person, stopped waiting for the feeling of his whole universe focusing and gathering together in one person’s eyes. He stopped pretending that there was someone out there, he stopped hoping, graving, stopped feeling the emptiness inside his heart where the gap would never be filled.

He met Q in the Art Gallery, and shook his hand, but nothing happened even though once again he had made the mistake of wondering what it would be like.

Q left moments after talking to him, so James didn’t see the tear running down his cheek, nor the way he held his hand like he just had been given an electrical shock, the shiver, the feeling, all had been there.

But Bond hadn’t felt it, not because he didn’t want to, but because he couldn’t. Because the fact that he had been injured and wounded so often, and because he had given up, his body refused to accept it, and Q had.

But it was fine. Somehow.

He could accept that, and the longing, the graving and he was used to sadness anyway, why would Bond want him...


	2. Evil as plain as...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Q are destined to be with each other, but while one knows and chooses to ignore it, the other doesn't and thinks he is alone. A cruel event brings the two together, and reveals a truth long expected...

Living with the knowledge that your soul mate was just a few inches away from you, maybe sometimes in the top storey of the building when you were in the bottom one, or sometimes even thousands of kilometers away was not as hard as one might think.

He only had to survive the feeling of pure hurt and sadness every time he looked into James' eyes, giving him his equipment, his weapon or sometimes only seeing a picture of him from a security camera he had to delete.

Those blue, piercing eyes were haunting him, were teasing him and torturing him, and all Q could do was accept it and try not to break down and cry.

He knew that their bond wasn't strong. How could it be, when they spent little close to no time with each other, not touching, not doing anything but talking on a strictly professional matter.

Bond didn't even flirt with him, which was just as surprising as it was bothersome.

Because he flirted with everyone, marks, the wives of targets, minions, agents, Eve, everyone **but** Q. And he didn't know whether it was because he knew of their bond, chose to ignore it and decided to do anything but acknowledge it, or he hadn't felt it.

Was there such a thing like a one-sided bond?

Q had never heard of it before, but maybe Bond was the exception for everything. He was sure that Bond could also invent an one-sided bond and make Q suffer for it, he thought.

So maybe Q was destined to be alone in the knowledge that the other half of his heart was an alcoholic, sarcastic, idiotic, egocentric, self-loving and or self-hating, charming, handsome, beautiful agent who had broken Q's heart without knowing that he owned it.

Was that the punishment for the one time he had sneaked out of the house to smoke?

Or when he had stolen his mother's make-up and his father's cologne to build an explosive substance he had given his grandmother as a new crème for her skin?

This was the punishment, he was sure.

Q had decided that it would be the best would he try to avoid Bond. As much as possible with the idiot spending most of his free time scaring his minions or making sure that Q was reminded of his situation all five minutes, when each touch sent a shiver through him and each eye contact made his legs feel weak and... wobbly.

It was like James knew, somewhere deep inside him, knew that Q was suffering from this and so he decided to torture the other with every free moment he could spare.

Q had always been aware of what an arse James was, but he never would have thought that someone could be this cruel towards their own soul mate. Towards their **own** soul, aching and graving for another part, for the one filling the emptiness and gap.

But maybe, maybe James Bond had have another soul mate, and Q had just misread the signs. Maybe this was some sick joke, and one day he would wake up to realise that he had never been James Bond's soul mate, and that his soul was alone and would always be.

It was like...

His personal hell. And he was damned if he wouldn't be able to survive it, and the endless pain he felt whenever Bond got shot, stabbed, attacked, a bone broken, burnt, or simply kicked.

He had more than once moaned in pain, and slowly assumed that his minions had figured it out, but he silenced them easily with a glance, and nothing couldn't be cured with tea and some work.

At least it gave him the knowledge, made him know that Bond was alive and that made the pain worth living for.

So it was fine. He would be able to survive and then everything would be fine, maybe one day his soul would realise that James Bond wasn't worth this pain and rejection and move on.

He wasn't worth the tears and the pain and the evenings spent alone in his flat, when all company he had was a bottle of alcohol in his hand, because he could feel James getting drunk, why shouldn't he have been allowed this luxus?

So he drank and drank and sometimes wondered if James could feel it to, and if he cared or not. If he wondered why he felt hungover the next morning when he hadn't drunken that much the evening before, and if it was a coinsidence that Q looked sick all day.

He probably didn't care, because why should he? Q was nothing more but a poor soul having fallen for the world's biggest arsehole in the world.

It was just another evening that Q decided that it was too much to feel pleasure rush through James' body, down to his crotch, and he tried his best to ignore his own growing erection as he reached out and poured himself some new wine, a nice bottle Eve had given him after finding out who his soul mate was.

He wasn't drunk, not yet, but was getting closer to this goal every second, which was a victory itself.

He had managed to sit there, feeling Bond fuck a woman into the mattress for half an hour without any alcohol and tears.

The door was kicked open, but Q didn't care, because he didn't pay any attention and just tried to fight off the tears, he didn't notice the men until they were already around him, one lifting his hand and knocking him out.

Everything turned black, and he saw blue eyes, concerned and bright, and felt hands on his body, rough and soft at the same time...

xx

Miles away in Italy, Bond made a noise of surprise as he felt pain in the back of his head, and something close around his wrists moments later.

He stopped in his motions, ignoring how the woman underneath him asked what was going on, and lifted his hand to trail a finger over his head.

He felt blood underneath his fingertip, but there was none there...


	3. Chapter 3

"What do you mean with _Something is wrong but I cannot tell what it is_?", Eve asked as Bond came back far too early from his mission, not having killed his target and not having been able to locate the harddrive with the information they needed.

Months after months of work completely destroyed for a feeling in the gut.

Sometimes she wondered why he still was working for MI6 and why they still stood with him in the building, but that was above her salary check and she had more important things to think of.

For example where their Quartermaster was, because for once he was neither at the office, nor at home.

"Just like I told you, something is wrong." Bond stopped in front of her, putting a hand on the door as she wanted to open it, M waiting behin it in his office.

"Yes, but what? Did you notice something or was there something wrong with your mission or-"

The phone rang and she sighed, reaching out. It was one of Q's minions, the same one who had called five minutes ago, and the same one who had pointed out to her that Q hadn't shown up yet.

He had left yesterday, as Bond had started his mission, and had not shown up yet.

Eve was kind of certain that he lay in his bed, with a massive headache and a stomach trying to kill him, hungover and depressed. But he had not reacted to a phone call, and she was tempted to go and look after him.

Quartermaster missing. That usually meant danger and Bond's paranoia wasn't helping.

It gave her a sour feeling, a bitter taste on her tongue as she told the minion to wait and that she would try to contact Q.

As she hang up again, Bond was staring at her, face blank but forced, and something dark shining inside his eyes.

"Q is missing?", he repeated, the letter of Q's codename pronounced strangely.

"Yes. He's not shown up yet", Eve nodded, narrowing her eyebrows, "Why? Bond, just tell me. What is going on?"

He hesitated, giving the camera at the corner of the ceiling a chaste and quick glance, making a motion with his head towards the door.

Had he killed someone he wasn't supposed to? Or had he somehow managed to fuck the mission up more than he had already?

Sighing, Eve lead him out into a corner where no camera was, leaning against the wall with her heels tapping on the ground, impatience creeping through her. She should be looking for Q now, and not deal with this.

Bloody agents.

"A few hours ago, as I requested a flight back to England, I got a strange feeling during sex with my target", he began, and Eve rolled her eyes, "It felt like someone hit my head and there was... it felt like someone put chains around my wrists, and as I touched my head I felt blood which wasn't there."

It took Eve five seconds to figure it out (to her defense, she was worried, and annoyed).

But as she did, she mumbled a 'Shit', ran back into her office and opened M's door without even wasting a second to think about knocking.

Bond was following her, for once the expression of sheer confusion on his features, and wouldn't the situation have been so fucked up and worrying, she would have taken a picture.

"Q's been kidnapped", she breathed out as M stared at her in surprise, phone half lowered down and glass of scotch in his other hand, a thick file in front of him, "Someone knocked him out and took him away."

"How do you know about that?", M asked and got up, phone and glass forgotten just as the file, and just as Bond who still didn't seem to realise anything.

"Because this moron here"- Eve pointed at Bond whose eyes widened in surprise, attempt to stay cool almost miserable -"is too stupid to realise that he and Q are soul mates and felt _a knock on his head and blood which was not there_!"

"Hold on", Bond stepped in, eyebrows narrowed, "I'm not Q's soul mate, I would know about that, don't you think?"

"Well he knows it and it breaks his heart, for which I will kick your fucking arse back to Italy", Eve hissed, before turning to M again, "Sir, Q knew of their relation from the moment they met on, but chose not to say anything because Bond didn't act on it and he assumed he didn't want it."

"Why would he-"

Eve interrupted Bond with a raised hand, index finger pointing at him, but she did not look at him, was staring at M with worry across her face.

"Sir, Bond felt someone knock on his head and there was blood, which means Q has been hurt. I wanted to drop by at his flat to check on him, but he doesn't react on any kind of attempts to contact him. It means that someone has our Quartermaster, I suggest immediate reaction."

"Try to track him down, use every kind of device to find him", M instructed, "Bond, try to use your bond, and get him. As unharmed as possible, please."

M left, to call authorities or superiors no one knew about, and left Bond and Eve alone.

The former turned towards Eve, a look of sheer confusion on his face. "I don't have a bond, I'm not- I'm not his soul mate."

Eve huffed, walking away from him.

"Surprise, Bond, you do. And it made Q very depressed to feel you fuck women and ignore him."

With that, she left him, ignoring how his hands fell down to his side, eyes burning holes into her back.

_Fucking prick._.


	4. Chapter 4

There was a pulsation in James' arm, painful and reminding him of wounds he had suffered from during torture, and he tasted tears on his lips as he licked them almost nervously.

For a moment, James felt cold, goosebump rising on his skin, a shiver running down his spine and something creeping through his veins, up to his mind.

Staring at the wall opposite to him, James played with the tiny anti-stress ball in his hands, feeling mocked by the smile drawn on it, glancing up at him.

He thought about throwing it against the next object which could break, but Eve already wanted him dead and giving her another reason wouldn't be wise - James might be a lot of things, but suicidal when he could prevent it? No.

He had been sitting here since Eve had told him to stop saying that Q wasn't his soul mate and stop making her nervous, which she had already been and still was. They were in her office, and hell broke loose half an hour ago, with minions typing away on their laptops, everyone hanging on a phone or earpiece, M had disappeared in his office and Eve was on her computer.

The constant clicking of keys drove James crazy, though he wouldn't admit it.

His nerves were on the edge already anyway.

It was like now, that he knew it, his body made him feel _every single emotion Q did, with all its intensity and force_ , he felt fear, worry, pain, desperation and the attempt to stay strong, all boiling in his chest like fire. Furious and painful, worse than everything James had ever been forced to go through.

Whatever had blocked their... bond, it now was gone. And as much as James hated to admit that Eve had been right, he truly and really was the biggest arse on earth. For not only realising that his soul mate was Q, but also for making everything worse. And he couldn't even be helpful, because all he felt was pain, and he had no idea how people were supposed to track each other down with their souls only.

_Bloody soul bonding crap._

Another sharp pain made him grimace, fingers twitching and grip around the ball tightening, his knuckles white. He expected to see wounds as he stared down on it, because every movement hurt, but he saw nothing but old, healed scars. Some new, from the time he had known Q already, and James found himself wondering how Q had been able to survive the pain.

James was used to it, but Q? He had done nothing wrong. He was just someone cursed with a bastard of a soul mate, and nothing more, and it was James' fault only.

Had he only realised it, had he only felt it, had he only been able to realise that he was Q's and Q his, had he only been able to get to him and be there to safe him. Would he only be able to find him.

Closing his eyes, the agent took a deep, shaking breath, letting the ball fall.

He could hear someone scream in his head, and his heart dropped, stopped beating.

_Q_.

In a fluid motion, James jumped on his feet, ignored Eve's confused expression and stormed into M's office. The pain nearly drove him crazy, because it was Q's, not his own, and they had been soul mates all along, James should have felt it but he hadn't, but now he did.

"I can feel him", James got out through gritted teeth, his leg feeling like it was twisted painfully, the cracking of bones echoing in his ears, "They are torturing him."

M stayed calm - and for once, James felt a bit of respect, because everyone else was freaking out at the thought of loosing their Quartermaster and M _drank tea_. He put the mug down and reached out to his phone.

"Let's find our Quartermaster, shall we?"

James nodded and turned around, heading straight down to Q-branch. Those geeks must have found a way of tracking Q down, and if they had to cut open James' head and put cables on him.

He just wanted his Q back.


	5. Chapter 5

Q-branch without Q was a mess.

James had seen chaos, far too much for one lifetime, far too many deaths and violence, but nothing would have prepared him for the sight of Q's minions running around like chickens without their heads.

It smelled of smoke and coffee, and from the corner of his eyes James could see how one of them emptied a bucket over the old coffee machine from which steam rose to the ceiling. James lifted his head, hoping that someone had turned off the fire alert, because this suit had been expensive and he didn't want to be wet.

Some minions were on their computers, trying to work, now and then one cursing or making a terrified noise. Others just sat there, staring at the screen in front of Q's desk, sipping at cold coffee and tea, one looking as if she had cried.

Q-branch was a mess, and it mirrored James' inner turmoil perfectly.

Everyone looked up at him as he entered the room, some glaring, some hopeful, others' confusion written across their features, nerdy little agents lost without their leader. 

James wondered whether they had known, if everyone but him had known about his bond and why. Had Eve told them? Or Q? Or was it that obvious? He walked past some and approached the one working on Q's desk, figuring that he was in charge and Q's right hand though he wasn't really sure.

"Have you found anything?", James asked, ignoring how his back felt as if it was exploding, the disgusting sound of bones breaking echoing in his ears, his hands clutched into fists.

The minion flinched, shaking his head rapidly, backing away a bit in surprise. James narrowed his eyebrows. Q never had flinched. He had always known when James entered the room, as if-

James' expression darkened, and the minion looked terrified.

Now he knew why Q had always known it, and he took a deep breath, trying to blend out how Q screamed in his head, sobbing and crying and sounding so broken. James' heart felt as if it was breaking, a sensation which James wasn't familiar with.

He remembered Vesper. Sweet, horrible and disasterous Vesper. He remembered the pain, but it was nothing alike the one he was going through now.

"-signal."

He looked up, surprised about how he hadn't listened, too lost in the sensation of a knife being dragged across his skin, blood spilling and soaking his suit, nothing was real, _all in his head yet he suffered, and wanted to kill, and protect_.

"Is there any way you can use my bond with him to track down the location?", Bond asked, and some minion gasped, so he figured it had only been a rumour. 

"T-there are...", the minion began, shrinking at Bond's dead-stare, "There are some possibilities... we could use the cerebral waves you send out to track him down, or we try to connect a computer with you and the part of your brain responsible for the bond, through which we could also find him..."

James waited for a few seconds, because the scream in his head made him tense and his hand shake, and from the concerned staring of the minions he figured they knew what was going on.

The agent took a deep breath and made a vague gesture with his hands, and the minion turned to type.

"We need a few needles, a cable and you need to sit down, double-oh-seven."

James simply took a chair, sat down and waited for further instructions, hearing heels clicking and knowing that Moneypenny was on her way.

By the time she was downstairs, James already had two cables connected to his left temple, and a headache. He had heard a gasp as they had made a tiny cut in James' skin, so Q felt him too.

What did he feel? Worry? Pain, guilt? Did he finally figure out that James knew, and that he was trying to get to him?

"What now?", James asked as he saw some codes and numbers on the screen, colours moving up and down, in a rhythm like his heart beat.

"Can you... erm...", the minion seemed to be at loss for words and narrowed his eyebrows, looking around helplessly.

"Can you feel him?", another one, female, petite, stepped in, walking to James' side and checking the cables.

Everyone was staring, watching them. Minions, Moneypenny and M probably too, all waiting to see if it worked. James felt like an animal in a zoo, and he highly disliked it.

"Yes."

"How strongly? Can you only feel his emotions, or are they like your own, does his state affect yours?"

Bond raised an eyebrow at her, but considered answering anyway. "I feel his pain."

The minion opened her mouth to ask again, but James' glare silenced her and she took a step backwards in worry.

"His and Q's sensations and stimuli seem to be the same, since double-oh-seven felt cuffs on his wrists and felt blood run over his cheeks."

James wanted to turn and snap at her, but he couldn't because of the wires and just made a mental note to glare at her later. He put his hands in his lap and sighed, closing his eyes as he heard Q scream again.

It was an unnerving, painful noise, and he felt bile rise up his throat.

"Focus on it. You can feel him, you can feel his presence, and now reach out to it."

James took a deep breath, exhaled the air again and rolled his shoulders, the steady beeping of the machine slowly fading, just like everyone else. He embraced the pain, he focused on it, and the barrier between reality and mind faded too.

He felt a heartbeat, which wasn't his, his own getting into synch with it, and he felt the pulsation of blood.

He felt ropes and chains, and he felt cold air hit his skin, burning and like a boiling knife.

_"Q..."_

Confusion, worry, and surprise.

James opened his eyes again, began to breathe all over again, feeling tears streaming down his face but knew it were Q's, because he was James Bond and he did not cry.

_"B-Bond?"_


	6. What you see I see

James' eyes went wide, shock visible in them. He didn't know if he saw Q-branch or the room they kept Q in, because everything was blurry, voices talking, screaming, typing, and it all was just too much for his brain to cope with.

Q was in the focus of it all.

Regardless of what James thought, it was about Q. His pain, his whereabouts, his injuries, Q's thoughts. It was all a messy chaos of sensual stimulation, James' skin tingling, or was it Q's?

_"Q..."_

_"H-how... how is th-that..."_

A sting of confusion made James blink, and for a moment the darkness he found himself facing faded, and he saw Eve's concerned face in front of his own, her lips moving, words not being registered by his brain.

Not all, at least. He understood a few words, pieces if anything.

"-hear..."

"...Bond.."

"...scream..."

"...little Quartermaster..."

"...James..."

"...track..."

_"I'm here. I'm here, Q, I'm here and we'll get you out of there, I promise."_

He took a deep breath, just in the moment Q did, their minds and souls one, James saw what Q saw, and it probably was the other way around. Was that how a bond felt? It was horrible, too much, not enough, a constant tearing and clawing on his sanity and heart.

James wanted to run, to crawl, to hide. To get Q, to kill the men who did this to him, to run away from all of this. He wasn't a man of love, of having a mate, and he didn't know if he could be a good partner to Q.

A broken agent, alcoholic and possibly too reckless for his own sake, a mate appearing out of nothing.

Wrong, James corrected himself or maybe Q did, he couldn't be sure, it felt surreal, Q had been there all time, James just hasn't seen him until now.

_"How did you..."_

_"I felt it. Your pain."_ James blinked, seeing shadows move in the darkness, hearing a scream. _"We'll get you out, Q, I promise. Please hold on. I can't... I can't loose you now that I found you, and now that I realise what we could have had from the Gallery on..."_

_"I didn't want you to know."_

_"Why?"_

Before Q could answer, James was being dragged out of Q's mind and back into reality, back to MI6 where everyone was running around, shouting numbers and names, someone shaking his shoulder.

James felt like screaming. Maybe he was, he couldn't be sure about it. His body still felt numb, if from pain or the shock of what he just had gone through. He had never imagined himself to get a mate, had never thought that one day he would share his mind with another person, but here he was, and the first time he had fusioned his soul with Q's had been at a kidnapping, and out of pain.

The agent let out a long breath before he jumped onto his feet, pulling the wires out off his head.

He felt Q gasp, and thought an apology, feeling Q relax a bit at still being able to hear him. It seemed that, whatever it was that James had done, it had broken through the blockade, making... **this** possible. He could hear Q breathe, his own rhythm adapting, a bit too fast, James' heart racing. James wet his lips, looking at Eve who had been talking to him for the whole time until now, but he hadn't listened.

Q. Q was in pain, his mate was in pain, why should he pay-

"Bond", Eve hissed, catching James' attention.

The agent glared, ready to snap or even growl, but something inside him twisted and he gasped, lifting a hand to his chest as if to press it on a wound which wasn't there, it was all in his head, but for Q it was real, at this very moment, and the sheer thought was driving James mad.

"You need to focus", she continued, now that she had James' attention, "I know that this can be overwhelming, but you need to focus. We got his signal and we know where he is, the team is getting ready to get him out."

James nodded. "I'll join them."

"No", Moneypenny said quickly, "You can't. You will be there but not one of those getting him out, it would only confuse you both and you'd be of no use."

"Confuse us, wha-"

_"Trust her. She knows what she is talking about."_

Closing his mouth again James nodded again, folding his hands behind his back, clutching his hands into fists. Waiting, ready to go and break something apart, and to take his Q away from the men who were hurting him.

**His** Q.

It already felt natural to think like that, something weird, yet strangely natural. He clung onto the feeling, the moment of happiness in between all of this pain. His Q.

He felt something over the bond, and he imagined that Q was smiling, because the corners of his own lips were twitching in the closest thing to a smile he was capable of.

"We are going", an agent said, taking a rifle off one of the tables, "Are you coming?"

Bond nodded and went to him, taking an offered gun. _"We are coming, Q."_

_"Hurry the fuck up, please."_

James nearly smiled. Nearly.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [I have died every day waiting for you (cover)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/705422) by [tracionn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tracionn/pseuds/tracionn)




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